illustration by Drew Jordan

I’ll be honest – I cheated on my husband with a co-worker and my infidelity killed my marriage. Although I think it’s best that we are no longer together, I care about this man and would like to earn his forgiveness. Please help.
– E.K., 36, Washington, D.C.

Ouch. This isn’t a fun situation for either of you. First, though, I have to give you props for having the guts and maturity to take responsibility for the role you played in your divorce, and to realize that not being together is good for both of you. Everyone makes mistakes in life, and being able to learn from them is what really matters.

But how do you earn forgiveness? It starts with you. “For her to earn his respect, they would have to process why the divorce happened,” A. Stephen Lanza, a certified marital and family therapist in Connecticut, says. “She’d have to show an understanding as to why it happened, what the impact was on her husband, what the impact was on the relationship, and how she’s feeling about that impact now.”

Lanza recommends being upfront about everything when you reach out. “My advice is to just be direct about it and say, ‘I’ve been thinking about what happened in our marriage and I’d like to sit down and talk with you,’ and she would have to go in with a very clear understanding of what she’s looking for from him,” Lanza says.

There’s still a chance he’ll never forgive you, and you need to prepare yourself for that outcome. The best way to protect yourself is to go into it not expecting forgiveness, but hoping to make amends.

“If your goal is dependent on somebody acting differently, then you’re setting yourself up for failure,” Lanza says. “The goal is not the outcome based on the other person’s behavior, the goal is 100 percent on you doing what you need to do and your success is based 100 percent on that.” In the end, no matter how he reacts to the olive branch you offer, make sure you forgive yourself. Yes, you did something that deeply hurt someone you love, but don’t let this be the scarlet letter you carry around forever. If you did all you could to set things straight, you’ve done the right thing. 

My ex has a new partner, and he wants her to attend school functions and teacher meetings with him. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that. What’s the protocol?
– L.H., 37, Kennesaw, Ga.

Unfortunately, there are no concrete rules as to when it’s OK for the ex’s new girlfriend to show up for Junior’s portrayal of Daddy Warbucks in the 8th-grade production of Annie. Here’s the good news: There are ways to cope with her presence.

As you know, school functions aren’t about preserving your sanity, but about supporting your kids. As your ex ponders whether he should invite his lady friend to the PTA meeting, you can ask him if her attendance is the best thing for the children. And maybe it is, Lanza says, depending on how close she is to your kids. If she’s an important adult figure in their lives, it’s probably good for your kids to have her there, cheering them on.

But if you, your ex, and the new girlfriend can’t attend a function together without whispering, “Die, bitch, die,” to one another, you probably aren’t ready to carpool just yet. If your kids see you and your ex fighting, it could cause harm to their psyches, Lanza says. In that case, the girlfriend should stay on the sidelines.

If the best thing for the kids is to have your ex’s girlfriend show up, but you still feel like you’ll need a bottle of Grey Goose to make the evening tolerable, Lanza has a few suggestions:

If you know seeing this other person is going to bring up those issues for you, you have to leave them at the door, he says. “That might mean talking to somebody beforehand to prepare yourself. Sort of role-playing it out, even. Imagining what it’s going to feel like for you, trying to address those feelings with a supportive person.”

Even though it may feel crazy to act out bumping into your replacement at little Sally’s talent show, it’s better than going psycho on them in the auditorium.

I’ve been divorced for a year, and I’m dating a great guy. We’re starting to get serious, but I’ve yet to tell him I’ve been divorced. What’s the best way to bring this up?
– A.K., 44, Palo Alto, Calif.

Hold on a second. You’ve been dating this guy long enough to see a future with him and you haven’t given him the lowdown on your divorce? What’s with the tight lips? Did he casually say, one night while sipping wine and staring deeply into your eyes, “Snookums, I’m so glad you’ve never been married because divorce is such a deal-breaker for me”? I’m guessing not (and, really, I’d be more concerned about him calling you “Snookums”).

If he doesn’t seem vehemently anti-divorce, then you might be harboring unnecessary fears about his reaction. To get past this bump, Lanza suggests re-evaluating how you see yourself. 

“The first thing I would ask myself if I were her is, ‘How do I view my divorce, and how do I view its impact on me? How do I view myself as a person, as a woman, as a future potential partner?’ Because that’s going to dictate her anxiety in talking about her divorce,” Lanza says.

The less anxious you are when talking about your divorce, Lanza says, the less anxious he’s likely to be when he gets the news. Start by considering all the positive things your marriage and your divorce brought you (it might be hard at first, but I’m sure there are plenty of positives once you start thinking). And remember that the title "divorcee" is only as important as you want it to be.

Lanza says to be direct when you’re ready to face the past and share your story. Be honest about what your man needs to know, like why you took so long to tell him. Hopefully, by the end of the conversation you’ll realize you were worrying about nothing, and that dating a divorcee doesn’t faze him. After a certain age and enough dates, most people will probably end up with someone who’s tied the knot before. So out with it already!